Falling In Love With Adoption

In case you didn’t know, adoption is something very close to my heart. I currently work with youth in foster care as well as youth who have been adopted. My aspiration is to continue to support and advocate for these kiddos throughout my career. My passion was realized when I began work after college in a children’s group home for medically fragile and special needs children. I was inspired by these little ones each and every day and to this day it is the most important and fulfilling work I have done. The unique position allowed me to step into the role of a mother and love children who were neglected and abused. I remember one of my first nights working I rocked one of the baby’s to sleep. I was working the late shift, 3pm to 11pm, so I had to get each baby ready for bed.  I rocked him to sleep and hummed a song and at one point he opened his big, beautiful eyes and smiled right at me. My heart melted. Sure, it could have been gas that caused the smile but I was in love with this work. This was the work I was meant to do. I could love these babies and connect with them and help them feel safe from the big, uncertain and scary world out there. These children were lovable. They were special. They were important. And last but not least, they were not forgotten while in our care. 

The position at the children’s group home allowed me to truly understand the impact a devoted and compassionate adult can have on a child. I was blessed enough to work with amazing women and to witness them love these children as their own. We were able to connect and love children that were not related to us biologically. Many staff ended up adopting children that would not return back home to their birth parents and many of us desired to take our special kiddo home with us. What an inspiring experience. Some (okay, a lot) of days were difficult, I lacked patience, I didn’t know how to calm a little one, ER visits, not having time to eat lunch, to rest… I realized, as parents probably do, this is a tough gig! I wasn’t perfect for these kids but I loved them, I showed up and tried to give them my best each day. One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Through grad school and my own research I learned more about child development, the effects of trauma, and attachment issues, etc. which helped me understand the challenges these kiddos face. I was better equipped to face the tantrums and understand why they were having a meltdown.  Before becoming a “real” parent I was able to face my pitfalls and my strengths of "raising" a child. The most significant take away from my experience was learning that I could truthfully love a child that was not my “own” biologically and I saw myself raising them just as I would a biological child. These amazing babies and children taught me about patience, unconditional love, and how to put a child before my needs.

There are so many stories I could tell about each child I worked with and how they constantly amazed me. Most who know me understand that there were two extra special little ones that stole my heart. I have been blessed enough to see both of them become part of their forever (adoptive) families and thrive in their new environments.

Zerion was the first child at the home that I had an immediate connection with. This was not difficult as his genuine charm is magnetic to all he meets. I was able to spend many days with this remarkable little fellow who made me look forward to work every day. He was the first child who taught me that I have the ability to love a child more than I love myself and I felt this again, and very fiercely, when Aaliyah came into my life. She was and still is a feisty, spirited, fighter who has taken life by the reins and not let go. Both A and Z (as well as the other children) have taught me life lessons about strength, overcoming hardships, and remaining brave. "A" and Z  faced challenges and overcame each obstacle with ferocity and grace.  One of my very favorite days was witnessing Z become part of his fabulous family on adoption day. I prayed and prayed for A to finally have her meant to be forever home and God knows what He is doing because she has the most amazing family to love her for the rest of her life. My heart has been so at peace knowing that she will be loved, cared for and living life to the fullest with her adoptive family. It feels so wonderful to know that she is happy.

I watched the Disney movie, “The Odd Life of Timothy Green,” and fell in love with the story. To be concise, the movie is about two parents, who have trouble conceiving, and end up creating a list of qualities they wished their child to have. They plant the box of characteristics in their garden and Timothy (a 10 year old boy) is “born.”  In the movie, a neighbor or family member shares concerns about “you never know what you’re getting.” It is true, when you adopt you do not know exactly who the child will grow up to be. Interestingly enough, the same goes for a biological child-it is unknown who your child will be and what they will be like. I also love this quote (sorry I’m a quote person) “I realized at the start that whether a child is biological or adopted, one does not know all the ingredients in the package. That is what growth is all about.  A child is the slowest flower in the world, opening petal by petal, revealing the developing personality within.”~Robert Klose (adoptive parent).

From a parenting standpoint, the movie addressed how the parents accept Timothy’s “differences” and let go of their parenting expectations of having Timothy be something he is not. I love that the movie portrayed acceptance of others differences and quirks. I took away that we need to unite with and support our children (whether they are our children by birth, adoption or children you teach, counsel, and work with). When they make mistakes, feel misunderstood, fear being different we are there with them and we try to let them choose their passion and build on their strengths instead of forcing them to fit in or mold them into someone they are not.

I hope that fostering and adopting are in my future. I feel a great pull to open my home to children, adolescents, and teens who are in need of a home and family. Side note: Apparently, when you have a spouse, significant other, life partner, you need to run these types of things by them, talk about it and be on the same page. I’m working on the husband. ;) I also hope that having a biological child is in my future as well. I guess my goal is to continue to support, help and advocate for all kiddos (especially those in foster care) and that by sharing my admiration for youth in foster care you will want to support them in a way that is best for you and your family.

 Also, please know you do not have to foster or adopt to support children in U.S. foster care system or international orphanages. Please see this Blog Post from Rage Against the Minivan if you are interested in learning about how to help: http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2010/10/what-you-can-do.html  And you can also check out this link https://dfcs.dhs.georgia.gov/foster-care for FAQ about foster care and adoption in GA. 

Being content with where you are

I "pinned" the above quote to my Pinterest "Vision Board" a few months ago and haven't been able to successfully apply this motto to my life yet. I have really been trying to work on staying in the present moment in my life. I've discovered that I can be successful at this for a day (or let's be honest a few hours in my day... okay, maybe a few minutes) but then life gets in the way and I start to worry about the future and my past and it all goes out the window. When I say stay in the present moment I mean truly taking in the moment and solely feeling and experiencing what is in front of you. I began reading "The Power of Now" a few years ago and then unsuccessfully finished it due to the wordiness of it and "not having time." Most of you know that I'm kind of obsessed with quotes. Quotes have always inspired me because they immediately motivate me and help me look at my world differently. Anyway, two quotes I adore from Eckhart Tolle are (and I apologize the first one is long...) 

"by planning for the future, you won't need to lose yourself in the future. The question is, are you using time on a practical level, or are you losing yourself in the future? If you think that when you take a vacation, or find the ideal partner, or get a better job or a nicer place to live or whatever it is, then you will finally be happy, that's when you lose yourself in the future. It's a continuous mental projection away from the now. That's the difference between clock time, which has its place in this world, and psychological time, which is the continuous obsession with the past and the future."A more simple quote I love from him is "“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” 

I am constantly letting myself get lost in my future and it is only making me exhausted. If only I can make it to next year I will be fully licensed and then I will make enough money, then we will be ready for kids (your biological clock is ticking)... (side note: adoption is very close to my heart but that is another story/another post). And the inner dialogue continues- but we need a house first, then I will start cooking meals (seriously one day I will start cooking regularly) ... see how exhausting this is? I want to work on focusing on where I am now. And actually enjoy where I am in my life now. I am working hard towards a career I love and I should be proud of myself for managing (or sort of handling) the challenges with this career choice. I am enjoying being married. I love our little apartment and the memories I've made with my husband in it. Now that doesn't mean I won't plan and move toward future goals that I want. But I need to slow down and go at my own pace. I need to enjoy the ride as they say. Which I'm finding is way easier said than done.

I think we all ask ourselves "What do I need to be content?" and "What would make my life just right?" And the answer is most likely "if I can just get to this point" or "if I can just reach this goal." Your answer to these questions will also probably continually change. But I'm learning that if we try to stay more attuned to our present choices and our present life we will be more satisfied. Of course it is important to work toward future life goals and we have to figure out how to accomplish those goals and figure out "is this even possible?" If it's not meant to be we have to work really hard to find other ways (other passions, other options) to find fulfillment. I'm hoping to listen more to myself and trust that I am right where I'm supposed to be today.

For her 7-year-Old Self

To A- On your 7th Birthday

All the reasons I love you. 

I love your strong, loving and curious self.

I love how interested you are about the world. I love how you want to see, touch, hear and experience everything around you and more.

I love how you want to play in my car and learn about the lights, windshield wipers, radio, blinkers, seat belts, doors (and on and on). I love your curiosity about life.

I love how you take care of your babies (dolls). I love how you give them their “medicine,” their feed, and that you make sure they have comfy cribs and beds.

I love it when you laugh so hard that your eyes tear up and you can’t speak.

I love how strong willed and honest you are about your feelings.

I love how you stand up for yourself and have your own opinions.

I love how you try things on your own and don’t want help right away or at all. I love how you want to figure things out for yourself. I’m always impressed when you tell the nurses (at the hospital) which medicine you need and show them that you know how to do your medicines all by yourself.

I love spending time with you, just the two of us.

I love when you ask me “are you staying till bedtime?” I love when I get to tuck you in at bedtime and read you bedtime stories.

I love to take care of you.

I love to hug you, kiss you, give you piggy back rides and take walks with you. I just love to be with you.

I love to watch you play outside and I love when you tell me “it’s such a good day.”  

I love to watch you learn new things. You catch on to things quickly and always ask questions.  You are wise beyond your years and I’m so very proud of the person you are becoming.

I love how you enjoy reading books. You are very smart.  I love how you ask questions during the story and after a story.

I love our sleepovers in the hospital. I love how you ask to take wagon rides constantly and how in the middle of the night you wake up and call out “Carla?” to make sure I’m still there.

I love that it only took you four days to recover and return home after your open heart surgery .You are the most courageous 7 year old I know. You are the bravest person I will ever know.

I love how you make me want to be a more courageous and determined person.

I love how you love music. I love that you always want music to play when you go to sleep. You always had music playing as a baby.

I love how you taught yourself to scoot on your bottom before you could walk.

I love that I was with you when you took your very first steps on Christmas Eve Day.

I love when you were  little (about one year old) you knew to cry or scream louder and harder to make your pulse-ox machine beep which would mean  me or one of the girls taking care of you would come running to you if we quickly stepped out of your bedroom.

I love how you teach me patience and how you have taught me that I can love a child more than I thought possible.

I love you for exactly who you are and I hope you never change.

I love you all the way to the moon and back, forever and always.

Love,

Your Carla